Ever gotten one of those "St. Jude" letters? They claim to have been sent around the world X number of times; they say you will get good luck if you send out twenty copies of it in three days; but you will get horrible luck if you neglect to copy it. I hate the damn things -- they're not as bad as the "make money fast" letters, but still they're just nasty. They even infested my corporate e-mail one time, complete with a little ASCII-art picture of a guy with a spear. Someone created a nice little parody of one of these chain letters. My friend Valkyrie sent me a copy a while back -- as far as I can tell, it originated in mid-1995, probably in Thailand. But, it may go further back. If anyone knows any better where it comes from, drop me a line. The language is slightly on the tasteless side, so if that sort of thing offends you, then you may wish to go back.
WITH SEX ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE
This paper has been sent to you for good luck. The original has been worn out from having passed through the hands of so many people. It had travelled around the world 70 times [Dear Reader: please help keep this count current. If this letter falls into your hands after just completing one more circuit of the world, please add one to the count.] The luck has now been sent to you.
You will experience great sex within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on. Since the copy must tour the world, you must make ten copies and send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies to people who need to get laid within 96 hours.
After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of orgasms of his life. John Elliot tried to pick up a prostitute, but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his neighbors. In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray's trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms for the price of one. (was this the consolation prize?)
Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make ten copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had every paid her at work. General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the street. When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view. Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed ten copies. A few days later he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon for all these years! Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot coffee in his crotch.
In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis.
Beware, however of the fate of the E-mail user at Trent University, Peterborough ON, that sent this letter to himself over five thousand times in one afternoon. Before leaving the computer lab a strange woman came up behind him, bit his ear and put her hand down his pants. The ensuing surprise caused him to stumble forward and cry out. As he attempted to arrest his fall by grabbing a nearby PC, a gob of spittle that had been flung from his mouth (as he cried out) landed deep into the inner recesses of the computer, all three (student, strange woman and computer) then experienced simultaneous Cyber-Orgasms of exponential intensity before exploding in a puff of smoking data.
You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more fulfilling. Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices.
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